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The - terrible twos' are a misnomer. They should more truthfully be called the - terrible one to threes'. But life with toddlers needn't be
terrible. In fact, toddlers are wonderful, energetic, loving little creatures who are desperate to learn and explore, and they add magic
to everyday experiences.
However, for parents who have happily been enjoying their sweet little baby, the arrival of a screaming, back-arching banshee of
a toddler comes as something of a shock. So it's important to understand why children behave this way, how to avoid and deal with
tantrums and how to enjoy this time of life.
Reasons for tantrums and negative behaviour
The most critical thing to remember is that toddlers have very little sense. They're simply not physically capable of producing
adult logic. They don't understand what sharing is. They won't take turns. They're not able to wait. They interrupt. And they want to
do things their way, regardless of how irrational it may seem to adults. If you remember this and try to view the world through the
eyes of a toddler, managing tantrums becomes a lot easier.
Tantrums are triggered by a number of things:
- The desire for independence - toddlers quickly realise that they are their own people and will fight against anything that restricts their independence.
Strapping them into a buggy or trying to put their shoes on will be seen as an attempt to thwart them and they'll fight against it.
- Frustration - toddlers have boundless curiosity but lack the skills to do things (like using a spoon or fitting a shape into a puzzle) or the ability to
make others understand what they want.
- Hunger and/or tiredness - when your child's blood sugar levels drop, their behaviour worsens, which is why having a ready supply of healthy snacks is
important. Tiredness can lead to some of their most irrational, uncontrollable behaviour and is often the most difficult to calm down.
- Not getting what they want - you might have said no to a biscuit or another child has a toy they want. Toddlers know what they want and don't like to
take no for an answer.
- Looking for attention - toddlers want your attention regardless of whether it's good or bad attention. To a toddler, being yelled at is preferable to
being ignored.
How to avoid tantrums
The toughest thing about tantrums is that they often seem to come out of nowhere. You feel like you're walking on eggshells just in
case you say or do anything which might trigger another one. But there are things you can do to help avoid them:
- Toddlerproof your house - toddlers have a natural curiosity and will explore. If they are constantly told -no' or have their explorations interrupted,
they will become frustrated, which can trigger a tantrum. Make sure all valuables, breakables and dangerous items are out of reach. Use stair gates,
electric plug sockets, cupboard and toilet locks to keep their environment safe.
- Praise, praise, praise - encourage good behaviour by praising it. -That was good sharing', -You've concentrated really well on building that tower',
-You've done a great job at calming down' - praise the behaviour, not the person.
- Lead by example - do you fly into a rage if you don't get your own way? You need to demonstrate the behaviour you'd like to see from them. They will
model their behaviour on what they learn from you.
- Plan ahead and avoid trouble spots - parents need to be thinking about three steps ahead all the time. If you have to go to the supermarket but
you know that your toddler is likely to meltdown, either plan to leave them with someone or if you have to take them with you, work out what you need
in advance, take snacks with you to distract them, don't go when they're tired and do your shopping fast.
Top tips for preventing supermarket tantrums:
- make a game by guessing the name of the products you put in the trolley
- ask them what colour things are
- see if they can point to a picture of a dog etc.
- ask them to sing a song
- play peek-a-boo
- shop fast
- have a supply of snacks handy and make sure you save some for the checkout
- Look for signs - look out for telltale signs that your child is getting tired, hungry, bored or frustrated and be ready to step in and
distract them
- Offer control and closed-end choices - children want to feel in control and not be told what to do. So offer your toddler choices so
that they feel part of the decision making process. However, don't offer too many choices or they will become overwhelmed. For example,
would you like to wear your red shoes or your blue shoes? Would you like to have a story before we change your nappy or afterwards?
- Pick your battles - monitoring a toddler can be exhausting. Decide what things are important, set ground rules and stick to them. But
let some of the little things go. Both you and they will be less frustrated.
Dealing with tantrums
If you've done all you can but a tantrum still kicks off, here's what to do:
- Stay calm - try to see the world through your toddler's eyes. It makes it easier to understand why a tantrum has started and will make you more sympathetic
to them, which in turn helps you to stay calm. If you get worked up too, it simply adds fuel to the fire.
- Distraction - if you see a tantrum building, try to distract them with something else. A loud gasp followed by - Oooh, look at that' usually works. When they
ask what, point to anything - -Wow, look how red that truck is...'.
- Ignore the behaviour - it's not easy, but simply walking away and pretending not to notice might work. After all, they're not getting the attention
they want and no longer have an audience to play too. But they'll often just follow you, increasing the volume as they go.
- Take time out - if ignoring them hasn't worked and you feel your cool head starting to boil, remove them from the situation and put them in time
out (only suitable for children over 18 months and for no longer than two minutes - or one minute for every year of age). Let them know that they need to calm
down. If after two minutes they're still not calm, tell them again that they need to calm down and wait a further two minutes.
- Forgive and forget - once the tantrum is over, congratulate them on calming down, have a cuddle and forget about it. Don't bear a grudge and
don't keep reprimanding them for it. Move on.
How to enjoy toddlerhood
To help get through the difficult times, remember these great things about toddlers*:
- Toddlers think parents are the greatest people in the world - as far as they're concerned, you're the centre of the universe.
- Most toddlers cry a lot less than when they were babies.
- With your toddler around, you have an endless supply of cuddles and affection.
- Her zest and enthusiasm for new discoveries can be infectious. Watch her play with a puzzle and enjoy her delight as she manages to make a piece fit.
- Her perseverance, trying things over and over again, and her sheer determination to master new skills can be thrilling.
- Your toddler's love of silliness and laughter often allows you to be a child again.
- Her funny little sayings and expressions can be an endless source of delight.
*Adapted from BBC parenting website
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