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As the saying goes: when a baby is born, so is a mother. Nothing can quite prepare you
for the role. Ante-natal classes teach you the practicalities of parenting - how to cope
with the birth and how to look after a newborn. But they seldom really explain how your
life is going to change.
Becoming a mother is truly a brilliant experience, a great opportunity to reinvent yourself,
discover new emotions you didn't know you had and realise who you really are. But for many
new mums, the adjustment takes some getting used to. Life coach to new
mothers Patricia Carswell has some
insight into the key areas of change for new mums and gives advice on how to prepare:
Who am I?
Once you become a mother, you are no longer the person you used to be. For a start, you're now
called mum, instead of your name! Discovering and being comfortable with your new identity can
be difficult for some mums. To prepare for this, try to get a clear idea of who you are before
the baby is born. What are your values? What do you stand for? What's important to you? Hold onto
these things as you evolve into the new you.
Finding your parenting style
New mums are overwhelmed by a plethora of baby books - and they all say different things.
From Gina Ford's strict routine approach to attachment parenting to Tracy Hogg's middle of
the road Baby Whispering technique, new mums can feel pulled in different directions. It's
best to find the right parenting style for you. It should fit your values, personality and
maternal instinct. Be guided by your baby too, as every baby is different and what worked
for your first child may not necessarily work for the second. Be confident enough to find
your own way and don't think the book knows best. (Babies rather annoyingly tend to ignore
what the books say anyway!) Ultimately you know your child. So believe in yourself.
Perfect mother syndrome
Every mother wants to be perfect - but no-one is! The trick is to have realistic expectations.
There will be a difference between what you expect and reality. Accept that and be comfortable
with it. Also ask yourself: 'Who is this perfectionism for?' Which other people are you
trying to please - you, your parents, friends, other mothers, your partner? By being honest
with your self, you can be more comfortable in accepting that no mother or child is perfect
and can put the expectations - real or imagined - of others aside.
Other mothers
Going hand in hand with Perfect Mother Syndrome is the worry new mothers have about Other Mothers.
At a playgroup, you might worry that all the other mothers say they have got their child to sleep
through the night already. But they've probably failed to mention that their baby refuses to nap
during the day and they are secretly envious of your silently snoozing babe. Try to see people in
context and remember that all mothers have problems, they're just not always visible to us.
Guilt
Nearly all mothers feel guilt. In a survey of 1300 parents (from book: Mommy Guilt: Learn to Worry Less,
Focus on What Matters Most and Raise Happier Kids), 96% felt guilty about some aspect of their parenting.
Mothers need to realise the difference between real and false guilt, with many confusing guilt with regret.
If for example, you battle to breastfeed your baby despite wanting to, you might feel guilty about not
sticking with it. But it's probably regret that you're experiencing. Try to identify the emotion and
acknowledge it for what it is. Instead of feeling guilty, mums need to let go. If you do something genuinely
worth feeling guilty about, apologise and move on. Don't beat yourself up about it.
Relationships
Once a baby arrives, relationships change, whether they're with your husband or partner, parents or friends.
Try to be tolerant and bear these suggestions in mind:
- communicate and work on relationships before the baby arrives
- accept that you will be more bad tempered with each other and learn to be more tolerant
- understand that their role has changed too. Your partner or husband is going through their
own learning curve and adjustment. Grandparents are trying to adapt to their new role. And friends,
particularly those without babies, won't understand why you suddenly aren't as available anymore
- try to make time for others, particularly your partner. Even if you can't leave the house, have
date nights where you turn the TV off and just spend time reconnecting as a couple
- create a good support system around you before you have the baby. You will need help both
practically and emotionally. Make a list of people who you can rely on, even if it's only telephonic
support. Keep their details on hand and let them know that you might be calling on them. If you don't
have any close friends or family, there are a number of organisations that can help [see extra resources].
Body image
According to a Mother & Baby survey of 2000 mothers, 97% of new mums in Britain are unhappy with their
bodies. This is largely driven by stories of celebrities returning to their size 6 figures days after
giving birth. Ignore celebrities. Be realistic. Unless you have a team of personal trainers, beauty
therapists and nutritionists, expect that it can take you a year to regain your pre-baby body. Learn
to love the new you. Your body has done an amazing thing in creating a baby. Be a little forgiving
and celebrate your new shape.
Career
All mums will at some point think: should I stay at home with the children or return to work?
The debate about which option is best is fierce but in truth there is no correct answer: one size
does not fit all. For some career women, the thought of staying at home with kids is out of the
question - until they do it and then suddenly find themselves questioning whether they really want
to return to work. Others who are convinced that staying at home is what they want end up desperate
to get back to work.
Mental health
Many mums get the baby blues and have feelings of uncertainty due to all the changes outlined.
This is perfectly normal. But one in ten new mothers get Post Natal Depression (PND). It's important
to be aware of how you're feeling. If you feel like you can't cope or are unsure whether what you're
feeling is normal or something more serious, talk to someone - your GP, health visitor, midwife or
partner. It's critical that you don't keep it to yourself.
Conclusion
Having a baby is a wonderful thing, but it's a life changing experience. Embrace the change. Ignore
every survey that comes out - they all contradict each other! Use the books for guidance but don't
be a slave to them. And remember, that by the time child number two comes along, it will all be far,
far easier.
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